It is not uncommon for anyone, HSP or non-HSP, to end up in a family where they feel different from everyone else. Whether you are an introvert born into a very social family or an artist born into a scientific family, it is common to feel out of place in your family of origin. The growth point, then, comes as you distinguish how you can connect with your family and when you need to set boundaries to take care of yourself. Boundaries are general rules around what you need to feel comfortable while interacting with another person.

Setting Boundaries

This involves defining your limits and values, being able to communicate them to others, and being able to respond in a healthy manner when others do not respect your boundaries. Boundaries exist on a spectrum with porous boundaries at one end (leading to resentment and burnout), rigid boundaries at the other (leading to loneliness and disconnection), and an ideal middle of clear boundaries for adult relationships. You will find your boundaries shift depending on the relationship and sense of safety you feel with the other person.

When Fu’s family discusses politics, her stomach turns to knots and her adrenaline kicks into high gear. What her family considers “lively debate,” Fu experiences as combative and hurtful. Fu began asking her family to not discuss politics around her and shared that if they would like to discuss this topic, she will step out of the room. This is an example of knowing what is unhelpful, communicating it, and having consequences for the behavior. You cannot prevent people from making their own choices (they will still talk politics), but you can communicate clearly how their choices affect you and then make your own choices around what is healthy for you.

Differing Boundaries

Your limits and the limits of your family members are going to be different. Your siblings might find these “lively debates” a meaningful way of connecting and experiencing life with family members. This is why learning about and understanding the other person is helpful. Be curious about each other; you do not have to agree or be the same in order to love and respect each other. This can make it easier to hold your own boundaries as well. For example, when family members begin discussing politics, Fu can wish everyone a happy debate and excuse herself to go for a walk, head to bed early, or invite nondebaters to play a board game in the other room. This can be a way to be non-shaming, non-blaming, and non-controlling while still respecting her own boundaries.

If you have siblings, you may find that you perceive and experience your parent(s) differently. What was encouraging and uplifting to one child may seem overbearing and obnoxious to another. As a parent, this can be discouraging because there is no way to be all things to all children. Adapt where you can, and be gracious to yourself and your child where you can’t.

Identifying Boundaries

RIGID: Hard, firm rules that may serve to limit intimacy, prioritize safety, prevent rejection, or devalue others. These do not take other people into consideration and can be experienced as arbitrary, detached, or distant by other people.

CLEAR: Clear understanding of your own needs or wants while being able to understand the needs and wants of others. You are comfortable saying no to others and being assertive when you need to. You are also comfortable with others asserting their own needs.

POROUS: Overshare personal information, trouble saying no to others, devalue your own needs, overprioritize the needs of others, take responsibility for the emotions of others, passive to abuse or disrespect, strong fear of rejection or abandonment.