Do I Go To This Event?

When interacting with others, depth of processing for HSPs occurs when observing non-verbal communication and listening to content, subtext, and context of verbal communication. With each additional person you interact with, you may experience exponential complexity in what you are processing. There can also be additional sources of contextual pressures (e.g., messages that you are being “too quiet”), environmental stimuli (e.g., multiple people talking at the same time), and nonverbal communication (e.g., noticing who might be uncomfortable at any given moment).

Let’s break this down into an example: Dani (HSP) and Yuki (non-HSP) are colleagues who decide to grab lunch during the workday. Dani appreciates the lunch because Yuki is open to deep conversation and is comfortable with Dani occasionally being quiet. One day Yuki invites a new colleague, Marion, to lunch. Marion and Yuki are both pleasant and the conversation is good, yet Dani notices she is exhausted at the end of lunch. She feels disappointed and a bit confused. Marion is nice, Yuki is nice, they all laughed a lot, and both Marion and Yuki expressed excitement about the three of them doing this again. Dani starts to wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Marion and Yuki don’t seem bothered by this. I think I’m just being too sensitive.” The next day, Dani feels torn between needing rest during lunch and not wanting to miss out on the social activity.

When it’s just her and Yuki, Dani is aware of their dynamic and attuned to how Yuki is reacting and experiencing things. She also has breaks where she can process her environment, the conversation, her food, etc. and not feel overwhelmed. When a dyad (Dani-Yuki) turns into a triad (Dani-Yuki-Marion), she moves from tracking one set of interactions in the dyad to four sets of interactions: (1) Dani-Yuki dyad, (2) Dani-Marion dyad, (3) Marion-Yuki dyad, and (4) Dani-Marion-Yuki triad. For each person added to a group, HSPs tend to be processing this exponential increase in data streams.

Additionally, HSPs often feel pressure to respond when they notice someone’s discomfort. While this is a kind gesture, it is a gift and not a requirement. Some days you may feel up for talking to the anxious newcomer in the corner to help them feel included, and other days you may not.

Grant yourself permission to:

• Shift into more of an observer role in groups.

• Regularly check in with yourself and what you need.

• Remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to make sure everyone is perfectly comfortable.

• Say no.

• Arrive late or leave early.

• Take breaks.

• Change your mind.

• Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend.

In any social situation, you are navigating competing needs, such as the need for social inclusion and the need for manageable stimulation. Your needs are always in flux, so checking in with yourself and being flexible is important. For example, Dani may decide that sometimes she can go out to lunch with her colleagues, some days she may want to meet one-on-one, and some days she may want to eat by herself. Each decision comes with a loss (increased tiredness, someone feeling left out, or missing out socially, respectively) and Dani has to negotiate what level of loss feels workable for her on any given day.

As you explore your own social world, the decision tree above is a tool to help you decide whether you want to attend an event based on what you value and what limited resources you have available for the event. There will be times when you have to attend an event that is draining for you, but assessing why and how to attend an event can help limit unnecessary drains on your resources. And by gaining more clarity about how you can balance your energy outputs and inputs, you can attend important events and be engaged while also being attuned to your personal needs.